Until very recently, I lived in a state of almost continuous mental torment, with vulgar, nasty intrusive thoughts and extreme fear of going to Hell. It feels now as if I’m talking about somebody else.
One evening, I felt mentally exhausted. I wasn’t looking for answers or for a way out anymore. I was just trying to rest my mind; zone out.
I went to empty the dishwasher for the last time that day. I was on my own in the kitchen. I felt so low, so in need of God’s protection. Suddenly, I looked at my mental illness (which began about four years ago) as being a series of spiritual attacks. My gut reaction was to throw a few questions at God; “why aren’t you helping me if this wasn’t a punishment from you? How could you possibly allow this to happen?” and so on.
But, instead, all this came to a halt. I didn’t question him this time because a voice within me began speaking first.
What the voice said to me jogged my memory and I recalled a few verses that caught my attention a long time ago, and which I could never understand the way I understood them that night:
Why do the nations rage
and the peoples plot in vain?
The kings of the earth set themselves,
and the rulers take counsel together,
against the Lord and against his Anointed, saying,
“Let us burst their bonds apart
and cast away their cords from us.”
God talked to me through these verses and I saw myself as being on God’s side and God was being on my side, but the kings and rulers of the earth were trying to burst our bond, and cast away our cord from us. However, unlike King David in these verses, I’d always allowed the enemy to come between me and my saviour.
Then the questions themselves rose within me to question me. “Why am I blaming God for my illness? How could I think that God was leading me astray and causing me to hate him? “This is crazy! How did I allow such thoughts to dwell in me for so long?”
My fatalistic approach to life was partially to blame. My belief that “everything; good or bad happens for a good reason” was another culprit. There was a lack of understanding on my part of what divine sovereignty meant. This had a knock-on effect on my salvation.
Our only chance of overcoming evil is to remain on God’s side whatever happens. This is the only way we could be open to receiving God’s help in due time. Nevertheless, it is almost impossible to align yourself with God, mentally or spiritually, while believing him to be the cause behind our human abject misery and predicament. The devil works overtime to breed confusion and misunderstanding and break the connection between the believers and their God, thus depriving them of the opportunity to receive God’s help and overcome. When we can’t receive God’s help, we’re extremely vulnerable and we’re at greater risk. When the devil is standing between the I and God, we feel like we’re abandoned by God. Jesus on the cross cried “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (famously known to mean “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?“, or if translated differently, could also mean: “why did you leave first” Or “why did you depart before me?” Matthew 27:46.
Even Jesus felt disconnected from God!
I stared these spiritual attacks in the face. I thought about their frequency, their intensity, and their poisonous affect on my spiritual life and my relationship with Christ. Then I asked myself; “what do I have in me that makes Satan desperate to hurt me? I must be doing something right and may have the potential to do greater things if he’s that bothered.”
I left the kitchen feeling already better having thought those thoughts and went upstairs. But while I was preparing myself to go to bed, the great revelation came through Jesus Christ, who is part of me. Something happened, a thought maybe, and I said: God, I know you’re not against me. But how does this knowledge help me if I can’t think of you or worship you without having these intrusive thoughts coming between us?” Then I heard Him say this about me: I am the daughter of God and I have God in me. I have God in me and so the good things in me are all God’s. He said: “ There is no You in what you perceive to be “I”. There is only I AM. Any you who might be there, belongs to the realm of darkness, belongs to the realm of death. Thus, I and I AM are One, and there is nothing that can come between the I and the I AM. The soul of the ‘I’; the being, can’t hate the great I AM because she is part of him, who is the source of all things. The soul hates what she perceives to be the other, who she calls the angel of darkness and who is disguised as an angel of light and as God himself.
The unity between the essence of the I, and the great I AM can only become effective through faith in this truth. We can only overcome death through knowing for certain who we are.
“So, how about Jesus? ”
“He is the channel through which the ‘I’ reaches the I AM. This channel is within the ‘I’. After his resurrection, Jesus is nowhere else but inside the ‘I’. There is nothing else outside the ‘I’ but darkness. It’s within the ‘I’ that I AM, that heaven exists.” The ‘I’ is phonetically pronounced as ‘eye’. So, don’t ‘mis-interpret’.
I never in a million years would I ever thought that I would be hearing/living such ‘apostasy’, and not die instantly, spiritually speaking. Instead, there was born a wellspring; a fountain of love, warmth and energy within me.
Now, I knew that this revelation took place, not to strengthen the selfish mind in this temple; the intellect, but as a gift, in the form of a practical tool to erase any separation between my I and God. This separation which hindered my spiritual growth.
Although I was in complete control of my actions from the outside, and so I led a fairly holy life since God had already sanctified me, the power of darkness, raging with anger and displeasure, set out to claim my soul anyhow, disregarding my free will of dedicating my life to the Holy One, and using my then ignorance of the spiritual truth and lack of insight, to control my soul through deception, fear and terror.
God answered my broken prayers that were mixed with doubts in his goodness and his love for me. Christ led me to a point where I could see the deception of the enemy, disguised into complete surrender to a supreme, but cruel ‘God’ figure. As soon as this deception was dealt with, God has revealed my new identity to me, almost in a rush, before the power of darkness invades the mind again, filling it with false believes about the true meaning of the attributes of God, causing it to dread, and forcing it to surrender to the false teaching of the devil.
I laid down in my bed thinking; would this revelation be remembered the following day? How if the evil one came and stole it away at night? So, I got up, picked my android and made a new online entry.
The following day, the revelation was not only there, but was strengthened by a clear understanding of who I am within the Great I AM of God. I looked at my soul (not with my mind’s eye but with my spirit). The power of destruction had seized the night before. Then I saw her (my soul) being lifted up from hell, and reunited with God again. Suddenly, I found myself in Heaven, completely immersed in the love and grace of God. On a physical level, all my fatigue was gone. All my bodily pain, the heaviness that I thought it was caused by being over weight and the inability to walk swiftly let a lone jog, has left. Finally, the tightness that I used to feel around my throat, which felt exactly like a harness around my neck, has desappeared.
Suddenly, a good energy emerged so strong from within and a surge of indescribable amount of happiness overcame me. I danced, laughed and Kicked up my heels. I twirled like a ballerina and threw my arms open like a butterfly, while singing praises to God. From within, my ‘I’ was completely submerged with the peace, the joy and the love of God.
I have experienced all of the above through my ‘I’; my inner being, not through my eyes, or any visual sensor in my mind.