Tuesday 27th Dec 2016
A huge event organised by the council or a big church, not sure which. It was an official event. I was not well, but I headed there early anyway, encouraged by some. I was told to get there and sit in my place nice and early before it fills up. I went. Hardly anyone was there. I noticed the places were so limited and it was at odd with the size of the event itself.
Soon later, the place started filling up. My friend came with her four children. I smiled at her but she was so worked out about the place. She didn’t want me sharing with them. She took out a book from her pocket and showed us her reservation and her children’s. I tried to explain to her that the organisers of the event told me that they are not strict and that’s first come first served bases but she wouldn’t have it. She was angry with me.
I clung to one side and ultimately moved up a row to try to give her as much space as she needs. I was a bit dismayed but not surprised.
My friend is so good. She works very hard in her life to fit in, in her family, with her in laws, in her church and everywhere. She’s a goody two shoes. But I’m the complete opposite. I’ve always struggled with depression and other mental problems since birth. The only control I have over myself is to lead myself to prayer of release and it’s God usually who releases me from things. My friend knows that and may believe deep down that I’m not saved, though God gave me the assurance that I am. My friend my feel deep down that I don’t deserve God’s grace because She had to work hard for everything but I didn’t.
What my friend had missed is that God has created us differently. Her life circumstances from birth were not overwhelming. So, she was reared to fight and conquer. I was crippled from birth by a tremendous attack on my life that left me impaired. She has a higher plan for her life, but God’s grace chose to include me in that plan, not because I deserve it, otherwise it wouldn’t be called grace.